Seven Reasons Why I DON’T Want To Be a Published Author

Good morning, cyberspace!

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about writing. And I mean a LOT. More so than I usually do. This is due largely to the fact that I just slapped together finished my novelette, Gretel, and am trying to sort through all my ideas and pick just one to write for NaNoWriMo.

Na⋅No⋅Wri⋅Mo
noun
1. a time during the month of November, in which writers from around the world try to write 50,000 words in 30 days
2. a time of deep frustration and pain that writers willingly throw themselves into every year so they can eat tons of candy and not feel guilty because they earned it, okay???

And since I’ve been thinking about writing so much, it inevitably leads me into thinking about my future (blech), because, since I’m a writer, it is my dream to someday be published (obviously.).

But the more that I think about getting published, the more I realize that maybe being published isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be… Maybe it’s not as grand as they want you to believe…

Maybe the whole thing is a governmental conspiracy designed keep humans from experiencing the real world by assigning serial killers superheroes to write crazy, far-fetched versions of a twisted truth so that the humans will be suspended in a frozen state of fictional reality while the government takes over the world.

(Everything is a governmental conspiracy. Everything.)

Anyway, the publishing world, from a completely clueless person’s perspective (I totally know what I’m taking about here, okay?), is actually pretty scary. I mean, you write a book, you send it out to get slaughtered edited by critique partners and editors and all those lovely things, until finally it’s done, and you send it off into the world of doom publishing.

Joy.

But the worst part isn’t even over, my friend. Not even close. Which brings us to

Number One: The Pressure

Let’s face it, getting published puts a LOT of pressure onto a writer’s fragile shoulders.

“Congratulations! You just wrote an amazing novel that everybody loves!

Now make sure that every single book you ever write after this is just as good plus 10% better, or you will die.”

Number Two: The Commitment

Every time I hear this word I have the sudden urge to let loose a blood curdling scream and run flailing in the opposite direction. Once you’re published, there’s no going back. Either you fall off the face of the earth, and people will probably kill you get angry, or you have to write non-stop for all of eternity until you die. (I mean, it’s not like I became a writer because I absolutely love writing. Pttttffff.)

(#logic)

Number Three: Stalkers

I don’t think there’s anything I can really say to clarify this other than

Writer+published book=creepy people in cyberspace stalking you

(Don’t ask how I know these things. #imastalker)

Number Four: Everyone Reads It. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E

Is it just me, or is the thought of having random people you have no idea even exist read your book a million times less scary than, say, your grandma? What will she think? What will she say? Is she silently judging you behind that obviously forced smile?

I would rather shave my head bald, become a hermit, and live under a rock than deal with the constant paranoia that comes crashing down around me whenever someone I know reads my work.

The judgement. It is everywhere.

Number Five: The Comparer(er)s

With every book that is published (or even in the process of being written, which is a whole other enchilada), you will have at least two, maybe three Comparers to go along with it. What is a Comparer, you ask? Well…

Comparer
Noun
1. A person, most typically a reviewer, who constantly finds similarities between different books in order to prove that the latter of the two is a blatant rip-off

You wrote about elves and dwarves??? LORD OF THE RINGS.

You wrote a dystopian novel about a crumbling futuristic society??? DIVERGENT.

You’re writing a story about dragons??? ERAGON.

Your story takes place in space??? STAR WARS. (Cue Darth Vader music…)

Comments like these are annoying, and 95.8% of the time are not even true. Just because a story shares something in common with another does not make it the same story. It makes it a different story with a similar element. (#rant)

Number Six: Success

Yep. You read that right. I’m scared of success. I’m scared that if I wrote something that everyone loves, it would change me into some sort of arrogant snot. I like to call it the Bobo Big-Head effect.

Here’s how it works in five easy steps.

Step One: Write something everyone loves

Step Two: Become famous

Step Three: Immerse yourself in the success, and bask in the light of your glory

Step Four: Watch as your head slowly grows to the size of a six-foot punch balloon

Step Five: Have someone pop your ginormous head with a needle

 

And finally…

Number Seven: Failure

On the complete other end of the spectrum, there is also the looming dread of absolute failure.

“What if no one likes my writing? What if I am the worst writer in the world, and everybody hates my stories?”

“What if the world is conspiring against me, and someday I am left all alone on a stranded, seagull-infested island, with nothing but my giant head and my awful manuscripts for company???”

(And seagulls, apparently. [I blame the government.])

Actually, being stranded all alone on a deserted island doesn’t really sound that bad… At least there are no stalkers, right?

Or are there?

(I’m looking at you, seagulls.)

 

So there you have it: Seven reasons why I don’t want to be published. You’d think that with all this effort I could convince myself not to get involved with the publishing industry, but who are we kidding here, anyway? Of course I’m going to try and get published. It’s my dream. I’ll probably die trying to achieve it, but if there was no danger, then it probably wouldn’t be as appealing to my insane curious mind, and where’s the fun in that?

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Well, that’s all I’ve got for today, Cyberspace. How’d I do? Was this awful? Was it lame? (Of course it was, but still…) Have you ever had first-hand experience with a Comparer(er)? Do you enjoy stalking famous people? Do you have an irrational fear of seagulls? Leave a comment below and let me know! (Wow, that rhymed…[Seriously, though, I will give you cookies. {They shall be virtual, but they will be cookies.}])

 

 

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