How To (sort of) Get Away With Murder: 13 Fun and Easy Ways To Kill Off That Character

Good morning, Cyberspace! I’ve been thinking lately, and it seems like I am constantly talking about how I’m secretly plotting the demise of my characters and/or the human race in general, yet I never once wrote a post on how to actually kill them off. (My characters, not the human race [I’m a writer, not a psychopath {actually I am a psychopath, but that is currently irrelevant.}])

Odds are, you’ve already killed a couple people characters in your illustrious writing career. Killing characters isn’t new to you. You don’t need a refresher on how to murder them. In fact, you’ve probably gotten so good at it that you have trouble not killing them off.

But, as with everything, there needs to be diversity. You can’t just shoot everyone in the chest and expect people to not get bored. Guns? Those are so 1,000 years from now. No, you need something different. Something new. Something no one has seen before.

And that, dear cyborg, is what I am here for.

But before we jump right into the ravine of death, there are a couple things you should take into consideration before happily slaughtering that character, especially if it is one of the mains. Like whether or not it is going to destroy the soul of your reader, if their death serves a legitimate purpose (hint: not just for shock factor), and if you’re planning on resurrecting them in the future because, SHOCKER, you miss them.

However, that is a topic for another Smudge on another day, so for right now, we’re just going to leap right in talk about how to kill them, because we can deal with all that other plot-hole inducing stuff later, right?

Right.

D’accord! Let us begin!

Number One– The Hatchet

Doesn’t this one just sound exciting? Not much is necessary for a death other than this tool of choice. One good swing and decapitation is imminent.

However, you might have to take into consideration a few things, such as whether or not a hatchet would be readily available in a particular situation.

Cowboy riding through the prairie is suddenly attacked by rabid, spittle-flinging Indians with hatchets? Likely situation.

Little girl running along the docks is suddenly kidnapped by pirates and taken as hostage aboard their ship? Not a likely situation.

Unless, of course, the little girl is a trained assassin who has been taught well by her mother to carry a hatchet within her boot. That would be a likely situation.

But then it would also be the pirates that would be dead.

Number Two– The Poison

I know, I know. This one is common. But do you know the best part about poison? It can go in anything.

Little old granny is tired of her rude grandson constantly taking advantage of her monetary funds, so OOPS! a little bit of antifreeze in his morning cinnamon roll.

How’d that get in there? Silly granny.

Number Three– The Syringe

This one’s fun, because you can do so much with a syringe. The choices are limitless.

Pump poison into someone’s blood stream, stab them repeatedly with the jabby needle, or just simply plunge the empty syringe in between someone’s toes and watch them slowly suffocate.

So simple.

Number Four– The Spade

Ah. A simple little shovel. You wouldn’t think a gardener’s tool could do much damage, would you?

Wrong.

It is scientifically proven that repeatedly knocking someone in the head with a sharp, solid object will cause death.

Eventually.

Like the hatchet, however, you have to take into consideration the possibility of such an object being readily available.

The unhappy gardener is tired of being bossed around by his rich, snobby employers and wants revenge? Likely situation.

Pee-paw tending to his rutabagas is suddenly struck with the urge to murder the mailman? Likely situation.

Banker is suddenly caught in the cross-fires of a hold-up and has to protect the town’s citizens? Not a likely situation.

Number Five– The Neck-A-Whirl

This one is actually pretty gruesome and should not be attempted by the faint of heart. I, for one, do not like to describe the sound of a snapping neck, therefore I do not employ this specific tactic very much.

I have, however, made a few exceptions, because it is handy in some, if rare, circumstances.

In the dairy aisle, for instance.

Number Six– The Swirly of Death

This useful death is useable in any situation involving a public restroom. Just keep the water coming and eventually the targeted death-seeker shall suffocate in the re-used toilet water of his arch-nemesis.

Disgusting and effective.

Number Seven– The Cane

You’d be surprised how many deaths are caused by the cane of a cranky old senior. A couple jabs straight to the eye, a few conks on the head, and then a karate-pow punch to the neck and BOOM!

This method, of course, is usually employed by the typical 80-year-old man or woman, and requires some common knowledge as to pressure points on the human body.

So, basically, we’re looking at an 80-year-old assassin with a black belt in karate.

And that sums up practically every senior citizen I know.

Number Eight– The Gunpowder Chili

This is the ultimate betrayal.

Two friends are having a lovely bonding moment over a nice, steaming bowl of chili, when, unannounced to the target, the friend/insane killer replaced the chili powder with gunpowder. The killer then lights a match, tosses it deftly into the target’s open maw, and BOOM!

Death by spice. Not so nice.

And there is also the issue of blood and guts on every tangible surface, so a cleanup crew would come in handy when using this method.

Number Nine– The Rabies

Do you know how many deaths are caused by rabies each year?

Over two.

I know. Mind=blown.

Simply have your character get bitten by a rabid squirrel and watch them slowly go insane.

Or a bat. Bats are a good carrier of rabies. And then you could also make the claim that your character was turning into a possessed Batman and go completely off plot.

But that’s for you to decide, not me. I just give the statistics, folks.

Number Ten– The Paper Cut

This is a good method for all the places with tons of paper or books.

Like a printing press.

Or Barnes and Noble.

Launch various papery materials at the target until they are scratched and battered (hardcovers deal a heftier blow, while paperbacks provide more cuts), and then dowse them in an acidic substance. Like hand sanitizer.

Or nail polish remover.

Number Eleven– The Bowling Ball

A nice bowling outing with your friends can fast turn deadly when a bowling ball flies straight into someone’s face.

For extra impact, toss them out onto the lane and then throw the ball. Not only will the sirens blare, notifying the entire world that you’re a cheater, but you can then bowl your target over and yell “STRIKE!” as you leap away from their still-twitching form and run out into the night.

This tactic works best during cosmic bowling.

Number Twelve– The Plastic Wrap Inhalation

For this frightening, yet effective, tactic, you will need a roll of plastic wrap and a decently portioned head.

Plastic bags provide a quick and easy substitute.

 

And finally…

Number Thirteen– The Cheese Grater

Have you ever tried washing a cheese grater by hand? If so, you do not need any reminder of how terrible this character death would be.

If you have not, let me refresh you.

Washing cheese graters by hand is a very risky business. It requires gentle movements, a high tolerance for pain, and about 3,000 pleas for mercy as you feel the hundreds of gnawing holes rip into your fragile flesh. It is excruciatingly painful, and I would highly recommend getting a dishwasher just for the sake of not having to do it.

So imagine if someone were to actually start hacking at you with a cheese grater.

Death would not be swift.

Now, this is a very unique tactic to use, one that does not require a lot of set-up or planning, but one that does require a lot of determination and motive. But make sure to think carefully before using this in a story, as you might be considered mental and put into an asylum.

Or prohibited from going near cheese graters for the remainder of your existence, lest you accidentally begin to saw away at them.

Because that could totally happen.

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Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week! What do you guys think? Have you ever considered clobbering someone with a cane? Or a bowling ball? Do you know any squirrels with rabies? Have you ever washed a cheese grater by hand? Did you notice that I never posted a Smudge last week? Did you miss me? Let us talk about all the wonderful things down below! Oh! And don’t forget to mention one of your own wacky death ideas! It’s more fun when we’re all insane, I assure you. (*police sirens in the distance*)

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