The Evil Writer Award (in which I am evil and ruthless [as usual])

Bonjour, mon Cyberespace! I am so uber (yes this is a word what are you talking about) excited for today’s Smudge!!!! And do you know why?

Do you?

Do you???

DO YOU?

Of course not. Because it is a surprise. And also because I was tagged to do this particular thing about five billion years ago, so all you peeps probably went and forgot that it even existed.

But I have not.

See, a few years months, maybe? ago, I was tagged by the incredible and marvelous Kate over at StoryAndDarkChocolate (go check out her blog because it is AWE-SOME and just so happens to be one of my favorites) to do the Evil Writer Award, which I am so excited about because, firstly, I AM AN EVIL GENIUS AND ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE MY SUPERIORITY, but also because I love doing tags and I am a smol cinnamon roll who could probably murder you in your sleep if you snored too loudly.

(Kate is actually the evil genius, but SHHHH, I am evil, too [BE FRIGHTENED OF ME!!!!])

So this tag is gonna be great.

But before we jump straight into the questions, Kate has given us some base rules to abide by, so let us go over those really quick.

This amazing graphic was designed by my friend over at Witty Writes! Go check out her blog!!!

~ The Rules ~

• Give all of the credit to Kate, for she is an evil genius

Kate, thou art the evilest of villains, and therefore deserve all of the credit. *flings credit at your face*

• Tag at least two other people
• Invent more questions if you can think of any.

My brain is a marshmallow. This shall not happen.

Now that we have covered that, let us dive into the questions!

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The Evil Writer Award (in which I am evil and ruthless)

~ The Questions ~

Question One– How many characters do you typically kill per book? And how many people have you killed in real life, dear? Do you… feel any remorse about this? I’m concerned about you.

Hmmm… This is actually quite difficult for me to answer, because it varies greatly within each story.

I once wrote a novel where I killed off my two favorite characters for no other reason than shock value (#amateur) along with about three-ish other murders because, “Eh, why not”.

And then there’s my novellette, Gretel, in which I killed two-ish people. Sort of. I mean, you only actually see one of them die, but you see the other one dead, so that’s a plus right? There were also more dead bodies in that story than I think was healthy for me to be writing about with ease…

And then you have everlost, where I’m currently planning the deaths of three-ish characters, two are already dead, one is on the way out as we speak, and more people will die within the last few chapters than I think I’ve ever written.

Yeah.

I have not killed anyone in real life, however. That would be unsanitary.

Question Two– Do you prefer to use weapons of mass destruction like explosions and famine and world war or more personal torture like killing family and friends and pets?

Oh, I definitely prefer to get up close and personal with my killing. The closer the stab, the better.

BUT I WILL NEVER KILL THE PETS, SIR. NEVER.

Question Three– Are you more like Loki, who perpetrates great evil with a creepy grin, or… give me a minute… Darth Vader, who secretly weeps inside his… fake head, whilst destroying the world? 

I’m not sure if this was intended to be about the character that I unwillingly turn into a murderer, or about me personally.

If it is the latter, I must admit that I am much more like Loki. What can I say? A good murder always puts me in a happy mood.

(please don’t call the cops, I swear I’m normal)

Question Four– What is the most dastardly crime you have ever committed as a writer? 

Once…I forgot to include a comma.

*world implodes*

Hmm… I’m not exactly sure what my most dastardly crime has been… It was probably that one time I killed a dragon.

I know. I know. I should be burned at the stake for that one.

Or, you know, there was also that time when I had one of my characters push her grandmother into a blazing oven.

And the story was written in first person.

Yeah…

…

Moving on…

Question Five– What kind of chocolate do you most like to devour as you burn things? White, milk, semisweet, or dark? Bonus points if you are so evil you find unsweetened cacao palatable

Ooh!!! I love milk chocolate!!! Milk chocolate is the best.

I don’t think I’ve ever had unsweetened cocoa… Now I must try some because #daredevil

Question Six– What is your villainous title? You may not have “Evil Overlord” because that one’s mine.

Sunshine and Rainbows.

Don’t you dare laugh at me, peasants.

Question Seven– Which of your characters would actually be a match for you if you were to duke it out one on one?

TRICK QUESTION! No mortal can stand against my intense muscle and feminine wit, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

….

Yeah, that’s a total lie. In fact, aside from being a chipmunk, I also happen to be a literal limp noodle, so I think that any one of my characters could probably murder me with a single tap to the shoulder.

But I honestly think the character that I would be terrified of the most would be Adaline.

She’s…quite terrifying, to be honest.

Question Eight– Which character, in all the many books you have undoubtedly written, is most likely to be your Archnemesis?

Oh yes. I have written thousands of books. There’s no doubt about that, hahahahahahaha…haha…

ha.

*distant sobbing*

Actually, I really don’t think I can pick one of my characters to be my nemesis…? Maybe Peter. There’s something about him that just really annoys me for some reason.

Which is weird, seeing as though I wrote him.

Mental Note: make Peter less annoying in future drafts

But Peter is sort of Thao’s nemesis, so…

…

Oh my word.

I’m Thao.

Duhn duhn DUHN!

Question Nine– Do you wear a cape? Face paint? A mask? Special underpants? Or do you hide in plain sight… like Moriarty? Give me details!

Oh, I’m TOTALLY Moriarty! I hide so well in plain sight, the only way you’ll know I’m after you is the brief maniacal glint of death in my left eye.

Sort of like a twitch, really.

My victims don’t even see it coming. They think I’m this super extroverted and bubbly person who likes sunflowers and cotton candy until BAM!

Dead.

The End…

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Oh my word, that was fun! Thank you so much for tagging me, Kate! This had to be one of the most fun tags I’ve ever done…

And now it is time for me to nominate my fellow writerly peeps!!! Are you ready???

Here they are…

~ Kenzie’s Nominees ~

• May at Forever and Everly
• Alex Charming at Lord Of The Trekkies
• And YOU! (yes, yes, I realize how lame this is, but seriously. You should do this tag.)

As for the questions, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to come up with my own set of questions, or just add to the list? So I’m going to do both.

~ The Questions ~

The Originals–

How many characters do you typically kill per book? And how many people have you killed in real life, dear? Do you… feel any remorse about this? I’m concerned about you.

Do you prefer to use weapons of mass destruction like explosions and famine and world war or more personal torture like killing family and friends and pets?

Are you more like Loki, who perpetrates great evil with a creepy grin, or… give me a minute… Darth Vader, who secretly weeps inside his… fake head, whilst destroying the world? 

What is the most dastardly crime you have ever committed as a writer? 

What kind of chocolate do you most like to devour as you burn things? White, milk, semisweet, or dark? Bonus points if you are so evil you find unsweetened cacao palatable!

What is your villainous title? You may not have “Evil Overlord” because that one’s mine.

Which of your characters would actually be a match for you if you were to duke it out one on one?

Which character, in all the many books you have undoubtedly written, is most likely to be your Archnemesis?

Do you wear a cape? Face paint? A mask? Special underpants? Or do you hide in plain sight… like Moriarty? Give me details!

My Additions (which are marvelous)–

Do you believe in killing off main characters, or are they your smol precious babies whom you cannot even fathom laying a hand (or steel-tipped ax) upon? (#wimpyevilwriter)

Have you ever chickened out of your evilness and tried to resurrect a fallen character whom you have already brutally murdered? Or do you–as they say–let the sleeping skeleton lie?

When murdering a man character, do you often describe it in cringe-worthy detail, or do you prefer to say “SPLAT! He’s dead”, and be done with it? (Bonus Question: have you ever actually said “SPLAT! He’s dead” in one of your writing projects?)

And that’s pretty much all I’ve got.

So there are your questions! All that’s left to do now is for you to go write about how evil and ruthless you are!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–HACK!

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And that’s it for this tag! Another HUGE THANK YOU!!!!! to the marvelous Kate! I had so much fun answering these questions!

And what do you guys think? Am I evil enough to be considered an evil writer? Do I have what it takes to be the next Moriarty? Do you have an arch-nemesis? Have you ever murdered a man??? Let us talk about all of the evil writerly things down below!

I shall see you all back here next Tuesday! Until then–

*flings cookies in your face and disappears*