StoryTime With Kenzie! – The $60 Skeleton Scandal

(WARNING: absolutely no exaggerations have been implemented in the transferral of this severely real event into a fictitious tale. some material not appropriate for ages over 60. reader discretion is advised. . .)

It all began in Meijer . . .

And if you don’t know what Meijer is, allow me to enlighten you, my dearest Cyberspace.

Meijer is, in a nutshell, the alternate reality version of Wal-Mart. Think giant department store filled with food and toothpaste and groceries and strange, slightly terrifying people you mysteriously never see anywhere else.

In other words, it is a nightmare.

Grocery shopping in itself is a terrifying experience. We all know this. It is, after all, a tested and proven theory: stuff hundreds of random people into one building and have them vie for the last box of Raisin Bran and you’ve got yourself a bloody mess in aisle three.

Not to mention the rather disturbing and awful smell wafting over from the restrooms that punches you in the nostrils the minute you step through the front doors.

(#WelcomeToMeijer)

Basically, nothing good ever happens in your local Meijer.

Ever.

But on this particularly fateful Thursday, in a place where every faith in humanity is utterly squashed by the scent of toilet corpses and Raisin Bran brawls…

everything changed.



StoryTime With Kenzie! – The $60 Skeleton Scandal

It’s nearly Halloween. You can smell it in the air. You can taste it in the cinnamon hot chocolate you’re currently scalding your tongue on. You can feel it in the snuggly owl sweater you’re curling up into with a good book on a drizzly day.

Basically any sense you could possibly possess is aware of the approaching holiday.

Halloween is coming, and even Meijer knows it.

It’s in the decorations.

You probably guessed it by the title of this smudge, didn’t you? Halloween decorations pasted everywhere. Grinning pumpkins, ghoulish ghosts, howling wolves with spindly spines, and yes–skeletons.

Halloween would not be complete without our gangly, gap-toothed friends, now would it? It’s just not worth celebrating without the plastic reincarnations of what we’ll all resemble in about 100 years. Sure, those funny looking pumpkins are adorable, but it’s not like our bodies are going to rot away into a bunch of pumpkin carcasses.

That would just be wrong.

These skeletons, then, are our kith and kin. They are an x-ray mirror to our very selves, and, therefore, the most valuable decorations of all.

This revelation was brought further to light in my mind’s bulging eye on the fateful Thursday of which I speak–the Thursday in which my life changed forever. . .

There were four of us: my father, my mother, my brother, and–of course–me.

For no story is complete without me.

It was whilst walking along the back wall of the Meijer building that our story begins.

There I was, idly strolling along the back-aisle endcaps, vaguely admiring the beautifully distorted drawings of humanity that were scrawled across the images of lipstick models and wondering why–when given a brand poster and a stick of lipstick–human fingers feel the need to draw squiggles and giant lips, when suddenly–it happened.

“Hey! Look at that!”

It was my mom speaking. We had just broken through the first set of back-wall aisles and had arrived in a valley of sorts, where grinning Halloween decorations lounged on the tiled savanna. At first I thought she was talking of a stout little ghost figure sitting on a shelf nearby, but then–too soon–I noticed the truth.

And my life would never be the same because of it.

Skeletons. Giant, life-sized skeletons hanging on an endcap past the savanna. They were realistic–as realistic as plastic can be, of course–with giant grins and hollowed eyes and a creepily accurate hip bone. Their limbs were long and gangly, their fingers narrow.

They were magnificent and–as my mom soon found out by bending one of their plastic arms–posable.

I was in awe. These realistic, life-sized skeletons were actually flexible. I could bend and shape them to the treacherous evils of my will, and absolutely no one could stop me.

It is discoveries like this that fills even the most mild of tempers with the tyrannical thirst for power. It was a discovery like this that changed me.

And it is now that I must pause our story to contemplate this drastic turn of events, my friends, for there are many paths of which this story could have traveled.

When faced with an awe-inspiring and posable replica of the human skeleton, one could argue that the possibilities of such a treasure are endless. The options held tantalizingly before our itching fingers know neither bound nor limit, yet I–being the delusional bean that I am–knew exactly what must be done.

I will now readily admit that perhaps I went too far, for a sane individual would never have leapt to the extent that I did. A sane individual would have created an elegant skeleton tea party, or bent their flimsy arms in a ghoulish wave towards passersby. A sane individual would have made one skeleton strangle the other with his bare fingers, or stick one of their thin legs out to trip unsuspecting customers.

A sane individual would have done a thousand normal, harmless things to this poor skeleton hanging before us, but alas–none of these ideas took shape in my mind, for they had all been diminished and blinded by the singular idea that had manifested within my brain at that precise moment.

And for any of you who have ventured to believe that I–Kenzie–am a responsible, perfected being of the highest sort, this is where all faith in my ability as a role model shall come crashing down into shattered oblivion, for these were the very words that came tumbling past my lips in an instant:

“Let’s make it look like it’s pooping!”

Ah, yes. This was the shout of excitement that rang through the middle of the grocery store that quiet night. This was the idea of the writer who prides herself in her unique individuality.

This was my master plan.

Immediately my fingers snatched at the skeleton’s leg and, taking hold of the knee-joint, began to apply a massive amount of pressure to make it bend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mom take another limb in her own hands, joining me in my endeavor of making this majestic plastic beast look like it was taking a dump without question.

In my euphoria and delight, however, I failed to predict what was to come, what was to happen so suddenly and unexpectedly that it would completely alter the rest of my existence.

SNAP!!!!

The sound that shot out from that stiff piece of plastic in my hand was completely, utterly unbelievable.

It was loud.

It was deafening.

It was the whole SNAP! CRACKLE! POP! Rice Krispies going down in the back of the building.

My dad was three aisles away from us at the time.

Three.

Aisles.

Away.

And he heard the snap.

Children were screaming.

One random man was crying.

The sirens of a distant forest fire mingled with the percussionistic echo of the bending limb as it crashed against the walls and spiraled off throughout the entire store.

. . .

And then there was silence.

For one terrifyingly short spasm of time, it was as if the world had stopped spinning around us altogether. We could feel the great eyes of the giant black security cameras boring into our backs as we slowly–carefully–replaced the limbs we were holding and–looking as innocent as two people who had just witnessed the murder of a plastic skeleton leg could–wheeled our cart away from the crime scene as fast as it would possibly go, grateful that by some blessed miracle from above, the leg had magically remained attached to the rest of the limb.

To this day I know not what happened to the $60 skeleton we left hanging in the back of Meijer. I assume that eventually his leg finally fell off entirely, its tendons no longer able to keep it held together–that perhaps he has now escaped his smelly prison and is, at this very moment, searching for the ones who caused him to finally snap, preparing to exact his revenge upon us.

As for me, I shall never forget that Thursday night for as long as I live and breathe. The tale of the $60 skeleton will forever remain ingrained in my mind for eternity, having taught me a very valuable and specific lesson that I should never have learned otherwise. One that I now impart unto you:

My friends, if ever you see a life-size skeleton hanging in the back of a Meijer store, learn from my mistake and turn around. Walk as fast as you possibly can in the opposite direction. Get far, far away from it–as far away as your legs can take you. . .before it is too late.

Or at the very least, my dearest beans, do not attempt to make it look like it is pooping.

The End . . .



talk to me, peasants!

So! What did you think of this extremely random smudge, Cyberspace? Was it fun? Was it boring? Do you want to see more of StoryTime With Kenzie! in the future, or do you think it should just limp into a ditch on the side of the road and die? I do apologize for such a random post today, but I didn’t have time to put together a full-length writerly post this week because I am obviously a faiulre at this whole blogging conspiracy.

HOWEVER! Let us ignore that fact and talk about ALL OF THE THINGS instead! Have YOU ever had a life-changing experience in a department store? Do you prefer skeletons or grinning pumpkins? Do you like cinnamon hot chocolate? And, most importantly, have you seen a life-size skeleton carrying a pitchfork around here? Because if so I should probably go into hiding. . .

Until next Tuesday!

*flings cookies in the air and disappears*

36 thoughts on “StoryTime With Kenzie! – The $60 Skeleton Scandal

  1. THAT, my dear, was #1: totally unexpected, #2: absolutely hilarious, and #3: very unusual!!!!! I… won’t even attempt to ask why you would possibly have such a strange idea pop into your head as to distort a skeleton into such a grotesque and…um…interesting pose. XD I have learned from your lesson!! I will henceforth NEVER make a skeleton look like it is… relieving itself… in the store… ever. AND NOW THOSE STORE MANAGERS ARE GOING TO TRACK YOU DOWN UNTIL THEY CATCH YOU AND PUT YOU IN JAIL FOR BREAKING THEIR BEAUTIFUL SKELETON! Be scared, dear bean!!
    Lol, this was such a great post!!! You should definitely keep up the StoryTime With Kenzie! idea thing!!!!!! <3 <3

    Liked by 2 people

    • MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SO MY PLAN HAS BEEN A SUCESS! Next stop…WORLD DOMINATION!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

      I am SO happy you both liked this post and have learned from my mistakes… Aye…never make a skeleton look like it’s…you know…in a store. The effects are quite disastrous. XD

      I AM VERY SCARED!!!! I’m worried that I shall yet be found out… (so why I posted this on the internet I have no idea… XD )

      EEEK! I am so glad you liked it!!! StoryTime With Kenzie! seems to be a hit!!! I’m so excited!!!

      Like

      • FULL SPEED AHEAD!! XD

        Oh! I also REALLY want to meet your mom now! I was shocked at her readiness to carry out your wishes! I would have thought that any mother would have kindly slapped you over the face for having said such a thing out loud in a store, and even more so for commencing to carry that out in the same said store. XD

        Yesss! Keep it up!! :P

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, so YOU were the one I saw, then!!! At the Meijer store BREAKING a skeleton! Yeah, we all heard that, by the way!! (yes, I’m joking…if I caused you worry for a bit, well….I guess I should be sorry….but you should realize I don’t even have a Meijer store near me)

    Lol this post was hilarious! I was like…..what is she going to think of when she sees the skeleton? And then I read it………my siblings must have thought a bomb went off near me when I read that………..I feel for them.

    I, unlike most individuals out there it seems, have not had big scary experiences inside a store. Except for the time I got lost (because my mom was trying to keep my other 7 siblings from getting lost), and got realllllyyyyy scared. And then promptly found her. And the worst part was that she never knew I had gone. I felt very unspecial (and unloved and felt like she hated me…..yeah that was what I was like back then…) that she wouldn’t even know that I was lost and MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEAD, but I have gotten over that feeling (after approx. 302 years…), mostly because I was just so glad to get back to her again.

    But, I can’t blame you for doing it. If you WERE in your sane and regular mind, as you usually are, you wouldn’t have done it. But you WEREN’T. And this is the explanation: remember that you told us that Meijer was a smelly, creepy place *this kind of sounds like a mystery, so be frightened (because that’s what mysteries are supposed to harrow up in your feelings)*? Well, the SMELL ruined your mind temporarily and DROVE you out of the rightness of your mind for a short time. The CREEPINESS of the place made you decide to do something EVEN CREEPIER! And so you committed the act simply because of Meijer (wow, I’m starting to believe myself here…. :P ). Instead of feeling guilty about it, you should actually SUE them!!! How DARE they (in a way) HYPNOTIZE you into breaking THEIR things!!! Well, they did dare. And……(Now what am I going to say next? ummmmmm……..)…………….So…….yeah….They did dare….*awkward moment of silence*

    Anyway……..this is the longest comment I’ve ever posted….(it’s also the most awkwardest ending one too….oh well)

    Liked by 2 people

    • You actually did have me believing you were in the store for a moment there! XD Darn! That would have been so cool if we were in the same building! XD YOU ARE LUCKY NOT TO HAVE A MEIJER STORE NEAR YOU. Or, at least, OUR Meijer store… Ours is just weird…

      Oh my word, that is wonderful!!!! I am sorry for your siblings but I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED THIS POST!!!! Bombs are lovely. It means you had a blast.

      OH NO!!! I totally know the feeling! I got lost in a store once when I was little. It was terrifying… I’m so happy you found your family again!!! AWW!!! YOU ARE VERY LOVED AND SPECIAL, MY DEAR BEAN!!! 302 years is a reasonable amount of time to recover. *nods*

      THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!! I thought it was just me and my insanity, but OBVIOUSLY it was the store!!! It was totally their fault. How could I have failed to see this??? THEY TOTALLY DARED. THEY DID THIS. IT’S THEIR FAULT. At last I see the light.

      AWKWARD ENDINGS ARE WONDERFUL. XD

      Liked by 1 person

    • YESSSS! I am SO glad you’re laughing! Laughter is wonderful.

      You should also definitely be worried. BE WORRIED FOR ME, DEAR BEAN. #helpme

      And YAY! I can’t wait to add more to the StoryTime With Kenzie! collection!!! THIS SHALL BE AMAZING.

      Like

  3. I’m glad I decided to read this before attempting math. Life looks brighter, birds are singing less annoying songs, my brothers seem adorably devious and not like the spawn of mischief, life is good. I need more.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. We have Meijer where I live, and it is just as terrifying as you described. They remodeled our local store a year or so ago and now I can’t ever find anything in the grocery section. The floor plan makes zero sense. I avoid the place whenever possible.

    This was an EXCELLENT story. I think it may be my favorite read from your blog to date. Well done! I had a hard time not choking on my hot chocolate. (Yes, I am currently drinking hot chocolate, but with peppermints rather than cinnamon.) I demand more. You have a wonderful flare for storytelling and I love it.

    Personally, the weirdest thing I can recall doing is a store is when 10-year-old me yelled across the dairy section to my mom to ask if she wanted small curd or large TURD cottage cheese. Generally, though, my family collectively enjoys making scenes in stores. We’re the family who stumbles arm-in-arm through the clearance section making slightly off-color jokes and laughing too loudly.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Isn’t it HORRIBLE??? I AM SO HAPPY YOU UNDERSTAND THE PAIN. Oh my word, isn’t it terrible when they remodel a grocery store??? Like, seriously, why must you go changing the placement of EVERYTHING???

      Awwww! Thank you SO much, you wonderful bean!!! That means so much to me… YOU WERE DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE??!?!!??! I am a psychic… I have been living my life wrong this whole time… AWWW! You have no idea how much that means to me!!! I absolutely LOVE storytelling… Of course, I tried to put a dramatic flare on this particular story… XD

      OH MY WORD!!!! I honestly laughed out loud while reading this!!! THIS IS EPIC, SIR!!!! XD XD XD Your family sounds wonderful… Making scenes in stores is the best, to be honest. I love it, haha! Of course, I normally don’t try to do it… It just happens with me?? #oops?

      Like

  5. I’ll try to avoid that grocery store if I ever encounter it.

    But man, that poor skeleton. Clearly, it didn’t want you to compromise its dignity so it caused its leg to break instead.

    MORE KENZIE STORYTIMES WOULD BE EXCELLENT.

    Mmm…hot chocolate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not EVERY Meijer is terrible… I’ve been to one or two that are very nice. But the one nearest US is…not good. XD

      BAHAHAHAHA! “NO! I forbid thee to make me look so undignified! BREAK, DEAREST LEG, OR THOU SHALST SIT IN SHAME FOR THE REST OF TIME!”

      I’M SO HAPPY YOU THINK SO!!!!

      I know, right??? I want some now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I arrive entirely too late (a whole 2 days after the post went up!) to the comment section, but HA! I loved it, Kenzie! I love that your mom, without question, was going to help you make the skeleton have a poop. She must be a strange and wonderful person.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re not late at all! I’m answering these comments four days late, so… #OOPS

      I am so happy you loved it!!! You have no idea!! And oh my word, yes! My mom is honestly my favorite person in the whole world. She is fun and wonderful and quirky, and is just the bestest mom I could ever ask for! XD

      Like

  7. I literally laughed out loud while reading this😂😂 First off, YESSSS please continue storytimes with Kenzie. This was awesome.

    Secondly, I have never heard of Meijer before in my life… And I’m not sure how I feel about that. (Evidently I thought I knew about all the grocery/other random things stores out there.)

    Thirdly, when I saw it was a story of a $60 skeleton, I didn’t even consider the fact that Halloween is this month. I guess I thought you would just be talking about a random skeleton you found.

    I’m not weird.

    Fourthly, (is fourthly a word?) that’s quite an interesting pose to have a skeleton make! Sorry it ended so badly.

    Let me say again, I loved this!!! I’m looking forward to more storytimes!😂😂

    – Abi

    Liked by 1 person

    • OH MY WORD!!!! I love making people laugh out loud!!! THIS IS GLORIOUS NEWS!!!! And I’m so happy you want more StoryTimes! I’m so excited for future posts… XD

      You are very lucky. Meijer (at least, OUR Meijer) is very odd… I’m actually really bad at knowing other stores and such out in the great wilderness. I know Meijer, Wal-Mart, Aldi…other…things…?

      BAHAHA! Oh, of course. This is a perfectly sound assumption to make. I find so many random skeletons. It is only natural. (also I’m NOT READY FOR HALLOWEEN HELP)

      Oh no no. Of course not. Neither am I. XD

      It was a shame it ended the way it did, but honestly I think it made the whole experience that much more hilarious. After all, if it HADN’T ended in this way, StoryTime With Kenzie! would never have been born! XD

      THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL BEAN!!! *hugs*

      Like

  8. My favorite part of this whole thing is how TOTALLY ONBOARD your mom was!!!! Like seriously. She is the best mom.

    Also when I come to visit, we are going to stroll through Creepy Meijers and buy aaaalllll the weirdly bendable skeletons and then take them home and do weird things and scare humans. It’ll be great. You are going to love how much trouble I get you into.

    Liked by 1 person

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