Reacting To Search Histories!: A (totally) Comprehensive Guide to Cyberspace’s Most Pressing Questions

good morning, cyberspace!

Today, I am a thief.

Quite literally, in fact. Today I have decided that instead of flexing my brain meats to think of something nice and original to post, I’m going to steal a post to post, instead.

#soclever

Because I can do that. Obviously. (PLEASE DON’T SUE ME I’M SO SORRY.)

Basically, quite a while back I was introduced to the gloriousness that was the marvelous Cait’s monthly wrap-up posts. And held within those beautiful pages was one of the most hilarious things I think I’ve ever witnessed — reactions to blog search histories.

Now, if you’re not exactly familiar with the concept, here’s the basic rundown.

Step One – people search for weird, slightly random things on the Great and Terrible Cyberspace

Step Two – those weird and slightly random searches lead them to your happy smol blog

Step Three – those weird and slightly random searches are catalogued within the WordPress site, where they are then susceptible to your incessant and divine mocking for all eternity

And because I am a terrible person/running out of time to finish the post I was going to post this Tuesday a thief, I have decided to steal this beautiful concept for my own blog. 

(but also i have seen other people do this a couple times SO ASDFGHJKL PLEASE PLEASE DON’T HURT ME I’M SMOL)

So without any further ado, let’s dive right into the smudge!

*sploosh*

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Reacting to Search Histories!: A (totally) Comprehensive Guide to Cyberspace’s Most Pressing Questions

Number One – ‘losing nanowrimo’

TOO SOON, SIR. TOO SOON.

Okay, now just because I epically failed this year’s NaNoWriMo — after having set what was probably the loftiest goal in the history of goals for myself, even after countless sources (me, myself, and I [thanks guys]) told me that it was an utterly asinine idea to do so — does not mean that I am automatically qualified to be your go-to expert on how to deal with being a NaNoWriMo loser.

. . .

Okay, so technically I am overly qualified. Grab a cookie and a sombrero, my friend. You are among family now.

Number Two – ‘how easy is it to actually get away with murder’

. . .

. . .

. . .

Read Me.

(on a side note, this search term actually frightens me just a tiny bit? like seriously, guys. stop being so obvious [y’all are gonna alert the fuzz])

Number Three – ‘ways to kill off characters’

Well now, you have most definitely come to the right place, my good sir! Grab a pitchfork, a cookie, and your favorite brand of torching oil, and allow me to give you a step-by-step scenario on how to kill off that cardboard character that’s dragging your story down into the sludge pits of death from whence it came!

Step One – Grab that gnarly character right by the neck! You want to make sure that you’re applying enough pressure to make their lips turn blue, a’ight? Make sure they’re squirming a bit for extra fun.

Step Two – Snatch your rusty pitchfork from where it lays conveniently beside you at all times and stab the character twice in the gut. The ‘twice’ part is crucial, because it ensures your character’s untimely demise.

Step Three – Have the sudden realization that maybe it isn’t coincidence that the Number Two search term actually exists. . .

. . .

Moving on.

Number Four – ‘the star in me poem’

Ahem.

There’s a star in you —

a star in me.

A star in everyone I see.

 

It glows so bright,

like candlelight.

It flicks and spirals —

sparkling free.

 

There’s a star in you —

a star in me. . .

I have a maggot on my knee.

#sogood

Number Five – ‘step by step, stop procrastination right now, youtube’

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for this poor unfortunate soul.

I’m sorry to break it to you, sir, but if it’s procrastination that you’re trying to combat, YouTube is most definitely NOT the answer. Instead, you should probably consider checking out Pinterest.

Or Twitter.

Or, you know, my blog.

Number Six – ‘strap your muse down’

Yes. Definitely do this. Strap him down with duct tape and force him to give you ALL OF THE IDEAS whilst threatening to lop his head off with bloody scissors.

Or you could try feeding him chocolate chip cookies like a nice bean, but whatever. Strapping him down is muchly more fun, am I right?

Number Seven – ‘what are some pros and cons in auggie pullman going to school’

Number Eight – ‘pros and cons of auggie pullman going to school’

Number Nine – ‘what are the.pros.and cons of sending august to school in wonder’

Number Ten – ‘from the book wonder what is the pros and cons’

Number Eleven – ‘what are the pros and cons of auggie going to real school in the book wonder’

It would appear as though my smol little Wonder review really brought some traffic to my blog.

Unfortunately for the eight million of you demanding to know the pros and cons of August Pullman going to public school — I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. Sorry to let you down, matey. But the book was absolutely GLORIOUS, so I’d highly suggest reading it for yourself and trying to solve this complex riddle that has apparently infected the universe.

(seriously, that book was amazing. read it.)

Number Twelve – ‘pros ane coms of august goin to school im wonder’

. . .what?

I’m wonder, too, friend. I’m wonder, too.

Number Thirteen – ‘in the night the tears are the worst blog’

. . .

. . .

How on earth did this lead back to my blog? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PLACE, YOU FOOLS! *stabs with pitchfork* BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!

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talk to me, peasants!

Well, that was certainly interesting. . .

I’m so sorry about the slightly random and short post today, folks! I’ve been super duper busy lately, and this smudge was already typed up in my drafts folder, soooo. . .?*shrugs* Apparently May is not going to be my month of rest (as I had previously deluded myself into thinking) because I have about a million and two things to do in order to catch up with blogging and emails and writing and everlost-ing and driving and life–ing and present-ing and all that wonderful jazz. But next week will definitely have a proper smudge! (. . .i think.)

But anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings! Let’s talk about you! What are some of the weirdest search histories that you’ve gotten on your blog? Do you think I should officially change Smudged Thoughts’ name to In The Night The Tears Are The Worst Blog? (because that’s a pretty snazzy name, if I do say so myself) Have you ever gotten away with murder killed off a character? How do you fight procrastination on Youtube? And most importantly. . .WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF AUGUST PULLMAN GOING TO SCHOOL IN THE BOOK WONDER??? Because the universe is dying to know, apparently.

As always, until next time. . .

*flings cookies in the air and disappears*