Reacting To Search Histories!: A (totally) Comprehensive Guide to Cyberspace’s Most Pressing Questions

good morning, cyberspace!

Today, I am a thief.

Quite literally, in fact. Today I have decided that instead of flexing my brain meats to think of something nice and original to post, I’m going to steal a post to post, instead.

#soclever

Because I can do that. Obviously. (PLEASE DON’T SUE ME I’M SO SORRY.)

Basically, quite a while back I was introduced to the gloriousness that was the marvelous Cait’s monthly wrap-up posts. And held within those beautiful pages was one of the most hilarious things I think I’ve ever witnessed — reactions to blog search histories.

Now, if you’re not exactly familiar with the concept, here’s the basic rundown.

Step One – people search for weird, slightly random things on the Great and Terrible Cyberspace

Step Two – those weird and slightly random searches lead them to your happy smol blog

Step Three – those weird and slightly random searches are catalogued within the WordPress site, where they are then susceptible to your incessant and divine mocking for all eternity

And because I am a terrible person/running out of time to finish the post I was going to post this Tuesday a thief, I have decided to steal this beautiful concept for my own blog. 

(but also i have seen other people do this a couple times SO ASDFGHJKL PLEASE PLEASE DON’T HURT ME I’M SMOL)

So without any further ado, let’s dive right into the smudge!

*sploosh*



Reacting to Search Histories!: A (totally) Comprehensive Guide to Cyberspace’s Most Pressing Questions

Number One – ‘losing nanowrimo’

TOO SOON, SIR. TOO SOON.

Okay, now just because I epically failed this year’s NaNoWriMo — after having set what was probably the loftiest goal in the history of goals for myself, even after countless sources (me, myself, and I [thanks guys]) told me that it was an utterly asinine idea to do so — does not mean that I am automatically qualified to be your go-to expert on how to deal with being a NaNoWriMo loser.

. . .

Okay, so technically I am overly qualified. Grab a cookie and a sombrero, my friend. You are among family now.

Number Two – ‘how easy is it to actually get away with murder’

. . .

. . .

. . .

Read Me.

(on a side note, this search term actually frightens me just a tiny bit? like seriously, guys. stop being so obvious [y’all are gonna alert the fuzz])

Number Three – ‘ways to kill off characters’

Well now, you have most definitely come to the right place, my good sir! Grab a pitchfork, a cookie, and your favorite brand of torching oil, and allow me to give you a step-by-step scenario on how to kill off that cardboard character that’s dragging your story down into the sludge pits of death from whence it came!

Step One – Grab that gnarly character right by the neck! You want to make sure that you’re applying enough pressure to make their lips turn blue, a’ight? Make sure they’re squirming a bit for extra fun.

Step Two – Snatch your rusty pitchfork from where it lays conveniently beside you at all times and stab the character twice in the gut. The ‘twice’ part is crucial, because it ensures your character’s untimely demise.

Step Three – Have the sudden realization that maybe it isn’t coincidence that the Number Two search term actually exists. . .

. . .

Moving on.

Number Four – ‘the star in me poem’

Ahem.

There’s a star in you —

a star in me.

A star in everyone I see.

 

It glows so bright,

like candlelight.

It flicks and spirals —

sparkling free.

 

There’s a star in you —

a star in me. . .

I have a maggot on my knee.

#sogood

Number Five – ‘step by step, stop procrastination right now, youtube’

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for this poor unfortunate soul.

I’m sorry to break it to you, sir, but if it’s procrastination that you’re trying to combat, YouTube is most definitely NOT the answer. Instead, you should probably consider checking out Pinterest.

Or Twitter.

Or, you know, my blog.

Number Six – ‘strap your muse down’

Yes. Definitely do this. Strap him down with duct tape and force him to give you ALL OF THE IDEAS whilst threatening to lop his head off with bloody scissors.

Or you could try feeding him chocolate chip cookies like a nice bean, but whatever. Strapping him down is muchly more fun, am I right?

Number Seven – ‘what are some pros and cons in auggie pullman going to school’

Number Eight – ‘pros and cons of auggie pullman going to school’

Number Nine – ‘what are the.pros.and cons of sending august to school in wonder’

Number Ten – ‘from the book wonder what is the pros and cons’

Number Eleven – ‘what are the pros and cons of auggie going to real school in the book wonder’

It would appear as though my smol little Wonder review really brought some traffic to my blog.

Unfortunately for the eight million of you demanding to know the pros and cons of August Pullman going to public school — I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. Sorry to let you down, matey. But the book was absolutely GLORIOUS, so I’d highly suggest reading it for yourself and trying to solve this complex riddle that has apparently infected the universe.

(seriously, that book was amazing. read it.)

Number Twelve – ‘pros ane coms of august goin to school im wonder’

. . .what?

I’m wonder, too, friend. I’m wonder, too.

Number Thirteen – ‘in the night the tears are the worst blog’

. . .

. . .

How on earth did this lead back to my blog? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PLACE, YOU FOOLS! *stabs with pitchfork* BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!



talk to me, peasants!

Well, that was certainly interesting. . .

I’m so sorry about the slightly random and short post today, folks! I’ve been super duper busy lately, and this smudge was already typed up in my drafts folder, soooo. . .?*shrugs* Apparently May is not going to be my month of rest (as I had previously deluded myself into thinking) because I have about a million and two things to do in order to catch up with blogging and emails and writing and everlost-ing and driving and lifeing and present-ing and all that wonderful jazz. But next week will definitely have a proper smudge! (. . .i think.)

But anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings! Let’s talk about you! What are some of the weirdest search histories that you’ve gotten on your blog? Do you think I should officially change Smudged Thoughts’ name to In The Night The Tears Are The Worst Blog? (because that’s a pretty snazzy name, if I do say so myself) Have you ever gotten away with murder killed off a character? How do you fight procrastination on Youtube? And most importantly. . .WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF AUGUST PULLMAN GOING TO SCHOOL IN THE BOOK WONDER??? Because the universe is dying to know, apparently.

As always, until next time. . .

*flings cookies in the air and disappears*

 

59 thoughts on “Reacting To Search Histories!: A (totally) Comprehensive Guide to Cyberspace’s Most Pressing Questions

  1. Bahahaha! I died when it came to “pros ane coms of august goin to school im wonder”!!!!! XD XD WHAT ON THIS EARTH IS ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO SEARCH THESE THINGS??? *lightbulb flickers above head* Oh wait, I’m one of them actually… Hehe… :P I think I’m the one that looked up, “How to kill off characters” because…yeah…I needed help with err…the doing away of one of my characters so I decided to go to the expert to find out a way! XD

    I loved this post! :) <3 <3 Now I need to go find out what crazy things people have been searching on my blog… :P

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hilarious! xD
    I think “strap your muse down” is my favorite search term That Actually Relates To This Blog.

    I don’t have any search terms leading to my blog though… *Puts on sunglasses, dark fedora, and a dark trench coat* I am invisible and will spy on everyone…

    Liked by 1 person

    • ACK THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I think I need to start remembering that I don’t need to pump out 3k for each blog post… Shorter posts are fine, too. XD
      I KNOW, RIGHT??? And also how to murder characters. Because let’s be honest — I’m constantly talking about death. XD

      Aw man!! It took me FOREVER to even get some search terms, though, so I’m sure you’ll get some eventually! And when you do. . .be prepared for the strangeness. XD OOOOH. I WANNA BE A SPY TOO!!!! *takes your sunglasses*

      Liked by 1 person

      • Shorter posts can be quite fun. When I looked at my blog stats to find any search term thingies, I found out the average length of my posts is 500 words.
        Yup. This is the place where characters come to die… :P xD

        Someday… ^.^
        >:[ !!!
        Get your own sunglasses…
        Des: Just be glad she didn’t eat them. But she might do it now just to prove it “possible”…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Precisely!! And they’re nice and short and sweet…and who am I kidding. I’m totally going to revert back to the 3k beasts soon. XD BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. I love short posts. They’re easy to read and write, and I seriously need to start writing more of them. 500 WORDS IS PERFECT FOR A BLOG POST. Teach me your ways, O’ wise one…
          EXACTLY. XD

          Des, for once in your life….you are completely right. *eats sunglasses* Mmmm. Protection!

          Liked by 1 person

          • You could challenge yourself to just write 2500 words instead of 3000. xD
            I think my posts are short because they tend to keep to only one point. Grumping at drawing Desmond’s hair was ONE whole post. There isn’t a whole lot to say about that. xD Or just short writing updates of “This isn’t going great, but it’s still kinda there…”

            Or tiny short poems with only a sentence of commentary, if even that. That probably really took down my average. Now I’m curious what my average was before then…I must go find out.

            Des: You’re getting too predictable in your unpredictability…
            Astarta: I don’t think those are the intended purpose of those things… <:|

            Liked by 1 person

            • My average for that year without the poems is 597.15
              I did a lot of number crunching. And my stats were only for this year, so all time I’ve had 46 posts (the first one doesn’t quite count though, it was an automatic First Post, but I did edit it…) with 21,457 words. My average post size is 466.45 and my highest word count has been 2,046 words, which was my character interview for Camp NaNo.

              Des: Why don’t you eat sunglasses too instead of reciting boring stats?

              Liked by 1 person

              • I ACTUALLY FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING… Now I’m curious as to how many words I’ve written in total on Smudged Thoughts? Be right back…

                *FIVE MINUTES LATER*

                Um… My total word amount for all my posts is 164,160 words.
                ………
                ………
                I need to go rethink my life now. SMUDGED THOUGHTS IS LITERALLY A NOVEL. IT IS LARGER THAN A NOVEL. WHAT EVEN. ASDFGHJKL!!!!!

                OOOH. I love character interviews. See? Compared to me — an insane individual — YOUR BLOG HAS SUCH NICE POSTS STATS HELP.

                They are not boring, Des! I found them actually rather intriguing? Or maybe I’m just weird…

                Liked by 1 person

                • WOW! Your blog is a novel, how did that happen? It could be TWO novels! #nothelping

                  Well, first of all, I don’t blog consistently at all. Maybe I should try to blog once a week for a month and see what my average stats are and how that might go for a year. (But I may have tech issues there…)

                  The other thing is, several of my posts are just drawings with little captions. Very short. I guess I just only post one central thought at a time and I don’t really have intros or endings, I just launch into the thing and when it’s done it’s done.

                  Des: You’re weird.
                  Me: Des doesn’t understand the writer’s life, HE is weird.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Ugh, I know!! It’s crazy. I can’t even with this number. XD But in a way, it’s kind of cool? I’ve written over 160,000 words… That itself is a feat, no??? XD

                    Ooh, yes!!!! Definitely try it! I love blogging weekly, even though it’s kind of hard sometimes. It gives me consistency, though, which is nice.

                    THAT’S LIKE THE BEST THING, THOUGH. I WISH I could do that, but for some reason, my typical post HAS to consist of a beginning, TYPICALLY a list, and then an end. It’s weird. XD

                    DEFINITELY. We, on the other hand, are totally sane and normal and fine. XD

                    Liked by 1 person

            • That’s true… And then if I can hit that, I can aim for 2k instead of 2.5k… THIS MIGHT WORK. XD
              LOL! I guess that’s true! But I like your posts. They are concise yet still have splashes of humor, and grumping about Desmond’s hair is SO ORIGINAL LIKE I WOULD NEVER THINK TO WRITE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF. Now I need a post about Des’s hair… XD “This isn’t going great, but it’s still kinda there…” << MY LIFE. THIS IS LITERALLY MY LIFE.

              Oooh. Poems are awesome!!!! (also, I think you found out, because there's another comment below this one… XD)

              I know. It's a problem. I need to become so unpredictable that no one can predict what I'm about to do… *whips out razor* *shaves head bald*

              Liked by 1 person

              • Yes! You can slowly taper down if you really want it.

                That’s funny, cuz grumping about his hair was just me flailing like an artist and trying to give SOME update for my stories when I felt like I wasn’t doing much. Most of my artwork came from random sketching that I subconciously decided to take further and then thought, “yeah, I can share this!”

                At least we can keep going and not give up!

                Des: Oh, does this mean we don’t have to make Spectra since you’re already bald?
                Me: Shush, Des, I finally have a beginning.

                Liked by 1 person

  3. If I had to guess, I’d say someone is supposed to be writing an English assignment on Wonder…

    But overall, Kenzie, Google seems to think you’re an expert on murder + torture + pitchforks. I wonder why?? I mean, none of us who know you would ever think that??? how could Google have gotten it so wrong…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I never even thought of that!!! YES. That is so smart, oh my word!!!! You, sir, deserve all of the cookies for that. *gives you all of the cookies*

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I KNOW, RIGHT HAHA. What could Google possibly be thinking. I’m a perfectly smol little cinnamon bean who doesn’t chew the bones of my enemies for breakfast and who doesn’t have a pitchfork named Rupert and who is totally against all death and violence of any kind. Obviously. Silly Google.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I know, right??? It’s kind of weird… But I love how WordPress lets me see them. XD XD It makes my day just scrolling through and seeing the slightly random stuff that pops up!
      OH, WHY, THAN YOU VERY MUCH, DEARIE. I worked tirelessly on it. For fifteen years, mind you. That’s my life’s work right there.

      Like

  4. Ummmmm, this was highly entertaining. I’ve never thought to look at my search history and share it like this…just. may. have. to. try.

    I do know that on an old blog that it’s the number one ranking, I think, for a search term like “strawberry chicken” because I once had chicken and strawberries…so I wrote a blog about combining them. HAhaha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • DO IT!!! I totally stole the idea from Cait, but it was fun and I hope she doesn’t sue me… XD (honestly, though, her blog is one of my literal favorites. she is the cleverest and funniest bean, i can’t even.)

      Oh my word!!!!! That is hilarious!!!! XD XD XD But in all honesty chicken and strawberries sounds delicious???? I love this post already. XD

      Like

  5. AGH I’M DYING. You are as good at this as Cait is (seriously though, her replies to search terms had actual TEARS of laughter rolling down my cheeks.)!!!

    I used to look at my search terms (and my stats page in general *shudder*) aaaaalll the time in the hopes that they would be super funny but honestly I just get normal things like “writing” and “writing subplots” and “gollum” and “the hobit” (which is misspelled so horrifically that I must gauge out my own eyeballs??) and “till we have faces quotes” and — more than anything else — “who is the hobo in polar express.”

    I clearly need to freshen up my content…

    Liked by 1 person

    • ACK!!!! That is like the supremest of compliments. I can’t even with you right now. <333 *hugs* (oh goodness, SAME!!!! she is the master when it comes to blogging and comebacks and just ALL OF THE THINGS.)

      I don't even bother looking at my stats page. I don't understand it, and if I'm being totally honest, I really don't care. XD I've never blogged for views, and I've realized that if I just leave that particular page alone, I won't ever have to worry about starting. BUT OH MY WORD I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING AT THAT LAST ONE ABOUT THE HOBO WHAT EVEN????? XD XD XD I AM DYING. I AM LITERALLY DYING. HELP. *suffocates*
      Also 'the hobit'. That is shameful. I have no words. XD

      But your content is so fresh that if it was a severed limb it wouldn't even have rigor mortis yet?????

      Like

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