Please Don’t Murder Me, Peasants (*insert awkward laughter here*)

#PostTitlingMaster

good morning, cyberspace!

And welcome back to yet another episode of Kenzie Posts Super Duper Late and Hopes Her Angry Friends Don’t Rip Her Head Off With A Cheese Grater! I’ve got to say, this has probably been the longest running series I’ve done here on Smudged Thoughts. Let’s give me a nice, big, juicy round of applesauce applause, shall we?

Thank you. Thank you. I’m expecting my golden trophy for World’s Worst Blogger in the mail any day now. However, to be fair, this blog’s tagline is “The Worst Blog in Cyberpace”. So. I mean we’re totally living up to our title these past few months, am I right?

Aha.

BUT ANYWAY! Today I am finally back (for who even knows how long AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–*distant sobbing*) to bring y’all a mega-super-awesome-strawberry-deluxe update of sorts. Because in my LAST post, I vaguely promised that this post would have ALL OF THE ANSWERS as to why I’ve been a complete refried bean when it comes to blogging as of late. SO! That’s why I’m here today.

And also why I’m kind of scared to write and post this smudge, because so much of what I’m about to say is up in the air right now. Like, I have no idea what’s going to be happening in the next few weeks. I have no idea what’s going to be happening in the next few days. I have no idea what’s even happening right now. So if there is absolutely anything you take away from this post, it is that I am literally begging you not to listen to a single word I say in this post. Because I am pretty sure none of it is going to actually happen. *thumbs up*

BUT! There is still a chance that Mr. Luck will smile down upon me with his gnarly teeth, so let’s just get right into it, shall we?

First off, let’s talk about the “schedule” for August. . . .

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 — AUGUST IN A NUTSHELL —

Firstly, let me just say that this is not how I expected my August blogging to go. I was finally catching up on everyone’s blogs. I was finally responding to comments! I was finally being a good bloggerly bean and doing all of the things a blogger is supposed to do.

Like. . .you know. . .blog.

But unfortunately for me, The Thing* happened, and now I am here. Not blogging. Wishing for death as I look at my emails and comments piling up to the heights of Mount Doom.

But it’s all good! For I have finally constructed myself a schedule for August, which means that, with any luck, I will actually be okay.

Maybe. Hopefully. Probably not.

So without further ado, here is my blogging schedule for the rest of August. . .

THE SCHEDULE

August 14th (today! [cheater.]). . .Explain what on earth is going on, ask for help with blogiversary (whaaaaaaaat?), and give the internet ample excuses for why I have not been posting on time lately

August 17th. . . It’s Smudged Thoughts’s Two-Year Blogoversary! — I cannot believe I’ve been blogging for nearly two years. On the one hand, it has brought me SOOOOO many amazing friends and memories and fun. On the other. . .I’m absolutely awful at this thing called “writing the posts”. Who woulda thunk.

August 31st. . . Finally hop back onto my blog for the rest of eternity and tell y’all how The Thing went. Either I shall come back covered in golden medallions of success, or I shall hobble in with three broken fingers and one leg made of rubble.

And that there’s the schedule, my friends. Look at it in it’s complete, tiny glory. Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to get that third post up, but WE GONNA TRY, OKAY?? Surely I can do three posts, right? Three posts isn’t all that bad, especially considering I’m taking off next week entirely to work on The Thing nonstop.

AAAAAAAaaaand, I’m sure by now you’re wondering what on earth The Thing is. Well, you’re about to find out, my friend!

But not quite yet because I have one more thing I need to discuss with y’all first. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*patience, young one. we will get to this shortly

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HELP ME!

As you literally just found out, this upcoming Friday is my second-ever blogiversary!!!!! Which makes this a grandiose occasion for multiple reasons.

A) because it means that I have been blogging for TWO ENTIRE YEARS WHAAAAAT? HOW? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS YE SPEW?, and B) because it means that I have completed two entire years of blogging without disappearing entirely or gnawing my own head off. So. I mean this is a very celebratory moment.

BUT. AS USUAL. I have absolutely no idea what to do for my blogoversary. Last year it just kind of crept on my like the grim reaper and smacked me upside the head, and, in a panicked state of hyperventilation, I furiously slapped out a very sad little thank you note.

It was touching.

It was sweet.

It was kind of blech.

So this year, I am determined to do something better. Like last time, I don’t have any way of putting together a giveaway or a drawing or something cool like that, but I do have some ideas as to what we can do to celebrate! And since I am a completely indecisive bean, I’ve created a poll so that you, my lovely marshmallow friends, can vote on how we should celebrate!

Because polls are fun and interactive and the complete epitome of everything I have not been over the past few weeks. Aha.

But anyway, I would greatly appreciate it if y’all could take a moment to clickity click on which thing you’d like me to do for my blogiversary! Having your input would mean SO much to both me and my indecisive brain.

. . .and finally, the very last thing on today’s agenda. . .

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THE THING.

I’m sure you’re all properly intrigued by now, are you not? What on earth could The Kenzie possibly be doing that has skewered her schedule so royally? What on earth could she possibly have signed on to to make her entire life tip up on its head and vomit out all of its dignity and grace?

Well, my friends, the answer is quite simple. . .

I AM HOPEFULLY PARTICIPATING IN PITCH WARS!

I know, I know. This is totally exciting and glorious, isn’t it? I bet you have absolutely no confusion at ALL. Goodness knows I surely didn’t have any when I found out about this thing literally less than a month ago LOLOLOLOLOLOL (tell me why i’m doing this again) for the first time.

Luckily enough for you, however, you don’t have to go scavenging through the interwebs to pilfer little snippets of information like I did, for I have managed to harvest a wonderful dictionary definition of Pitch Wars from out of the very depths of my brain meats.

And we all know that my dictionary definitions are absolute magic and have no exaggerations in them whatsoever.

. . .DICTIONARY DEFINITION. . .

Pitch Wars
Pitch·Wars

(n.) noun – 1. a writing competition in which writers from all around the world submit the first chapter of their completed, polished manuscripts to up to four pitch wars mentors in the hopes that one of those mentors will choose them to become their padawan mentee. The mentor/mentee duo will then spend the following 3,000 years months revising, reworking, and polishing the mentee’s manuscript until it glistens, and, after the revision period is over, the mentee’s pitch and first page shall be published for participating agents to view and — if the manuscript strikes them as particularly spiffy — potentially offer representation to the young, extremely terrified jedi writers.

2. The Cause Of Kenzie’s Premature Death

(and if you’re still confused, here’s a dingledeedoo so you can go check out the actual website for it and fill your brain hole with understanding)

That’s right, folks. I am going to be entering my smol, precious beast of a book — everlost — into a writing competition.

Hopefully.

And I am low-key freaking out.

I’ve never actually entered a writing competition before. I’ve never actually met a deadline before, and if I want to enter EV into this thing, I have to seriously buckle down and crank out those edits. Submission begins on August 27th, and my current to-do list is. . .well. . .massive doesn’t seem a strong enough word.

I have to cut this monster down by about 90,000 words because a 200,000 word novel is never going to get published traditionally. (there are exceptions to this, of course, but banking on being an exception is just a recipe for disaster, so. . .yeah.)

I have to work on character development and motive.

I have to turn my plot of mush into something of actual nourishing sustenance.

I have to write a synopsis. (???)

I have to write a query letter. (??????????????)

I HAVE TO DELETE BARNEY.

And that isn’t even half of the things I need to do. Some of these scenes are so beyond messed up. I’ve already had to chop off the ending I’d had my heart set on since the beginning of this book, which means that I have to somehow scrounge up a way to fall in love with the ending again.

I also have to work on cutting out the things that don’t necessarily mean anything to the plot, but STILL MAKE MY HEART EXTREMELY HAPPY AND UGH. This is probably the hardest part, guys. Killing your darlings is HARD. It isn’t fun. It isn’t pretty. It honestly just makes you sick.

But there is a sort of delirious excitement in being able to take a silver hatchette to your work. It makes me feel powerful. Like I’m tightening up this story that I love and turning it into something beautiful.

And also disgusting.

It’s a very weird process, guys.

So yeah. That’s basically all I’ve got to say on the subject of this post. I’m hoping to enter a writing competition, I’m mutilating my manuscript, I’m celebrating my second-ever blogiversary in just three days, and I am currently drowning in a sea of emails and blog posts and friend messages and death.

Life has never been busier. Life has most certainly been better. And Life is about to get a whole lot more interesting, my friends. . .

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TALK TO ME, PEASANTS!

And that’s all I’ve got for today, folks! I know today’s post was a little weird — and more than a little late — but I’m hoping y’all can sort of cut me some slack based on all the EV writing I’ve been doing lately. I mean, obviously this grave is one that I have willingly dug for myself, buT STILL. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY LACK OF PRESENCE, GUYS.

But anyway, that is plenty enough from me. Let’s hear from you guys! What have y’all been up to in this most glorious month of August? (one of my personal favorites, if I do say so myself!) Have you been doing any writing? Any editing? Any premature death planning as you strive to meet your self-inflicted goals? Have you ever heard of Pitch Wars? ARE YOU ENTERING PITCH WARS???? (because if so, you need to tell me so that we can squee and cheer each other on. because that would be fun. and it would also alleviate some of the terror that i feel right now aHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAha.) And most importantly. . .

ARE YOU EXCITED FOR MY BLOGIVERSARY???? (you better have participated in the poll, peasants!!!! XD )

Let’s talk about ALL OF THE THINGS!!! down in the comments below! I want to hear all about your projects and your summers and how much you hate me for not responding to all the comments on my previous posts yet. . .aha. #iamsosorryguys

As always, until next time. . .

*flings cookies in the air and disappears*