good morning, cyberspace!
For those of you who have been living underneath a hollowed-out log for the past 30 days, tomorrow is Halloween.
i know. so shocking.
Ah, yes. Halloween. The most spooky day of the year, filled with children and candy and pumpkins and ghosties and those weird little gummy Dot things you find in the yellow boxes that no one really knows what they are, but they taste okay-ish so you eat them anyway.
Halloween. I’m probably on the opposite end of most Christian people, here, but I absolutely love Halloween. I love the candy and the dressing up. I love eating chocolate until I feel like I might burst and having no regrets because it’s Halloween. I love making caramel corn with my mom and handing out candy and
taking back the candy because HOLD UP, G.I. JOE., THAT IS MY SNICKERS BAR!!!!!!! seeing what all of tiny children are dressing up as nowadays. I love dressing up as a mime and breaking my vow to stay silent all day after three hours of pure and intense torture. And above all this — at the very tippity top of my list for ALL THE THINGS that I love about Halloween — I absolutely adore watching Halloween movies.
And that, my dear marshmallow beans, is exactly why I decided to write up a not-so-giant post about my top 5 absolute FAVORITE Halloween movies of all time for today’s smudge. Because A) I’ve never really done a post like this before?, and B) I seriously needed a break from constantly blogging about NaNoWriMo this month, which I’m sure has started to get slightly annoying to all you guys, as well. So i mean???
And besides. Next month is going to be filled with a ton of NaNoWriMo Dare Squad posts, so basically this is my last moment of creative freedom before I’m forced to write about nothing but NaNoWriMo for 30 days.
Aha. Ahahahahahaha. #regerts
So today we’re going to be putting the inevitable horrors of NaNoWriMo away for just a moment and dive headfirst into all of the Halloween movies that I, in all my supreme glory, deem The Top 5 Best Halloween Movies of All Time! Because I think this will be fun. Maybe. Sorta.
And obviously this is a completely unbiased opinion and can be taken without any grains of salt, whatsoever.
So let’s begin, shall we?
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
The Top 5 BEST Halloween Movies of All Time*
NUMBER ONE . . . The Nightmare Before Christmas
Okay, so I know that there tends to be some conjecture about whether or not The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Halloween movie (some people think it’s a Christmas movie?? aha. it’s not a Christmas movie, peasants), but I am here to personally assure you that this move is — without a single doubt — the absolute BEST Halloween movie you will ever meet.
thus the reason it’s ranking in at number one on this list. duh.
Not only is it created by Tim Burton (as all of the best movies most frequently are) but it also stars an extremely long-legged pumpkin-headed thing —
— a girl who looks and walks as if she’s just crawled straight out of the depths of your deepest nightmares —
— an adorable dead dog —
— a Gamblin’ Boogie Man (feat. a distressed Santa Claus)—
— this thing —
— and an absolutely horrible Christmas in which children possibly die.
So as you can see, if you haven’t already witnessed the magic that is The Nightmare Before Christmas, you are seriously missing out, my friend.
And also it has some absolutely PHENOMENAL songs that are sure to get stuck in your head for the next 72 hours, so I mean??? What isn’t there to love about this movie???
. . . SONGS TO CHECK OUT . . .
NUMBER TWO . . . The Corpse Bride
This movie, guys. THIS. MOVIE. This is my second favorite Halloween movie of ever. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that it’s in a similar vein to The Nightmare Before Christmas in the creepy factor, or if it’s because I do an absolutely killer impersonation of Victor’s dad in the incomparable According To Plan, but there’s just something about this movie that tugs at my flayed heartstrings and causes the maggot resting in my left eyeball to sigh in contentment.
I love the story, the plot, the characters. The fact that everyone is basically dead. I love the music and the playlist and especially The Wedding Song in particular, and if I ever find myself getting married
again, I’m 100% going to have a Corpse Bride themed wedding. Bonus points if my future husband’s name is actually Victor. . .
. . . SONGS TO CHECK OUT . . .
THREE ONE AGAIN . . . It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
Please forget everything I said about The Nightmare Before Christmas. This show right here is THE absolute best Halloween film of all time. I mean, technically it’s a TV show, but whatever. It is perfection and it is adorable and it is everything I could ever wish for in a Halloween film. It has humor —
— deep life lessons for all ages —
— last-minute Halloween costume how-to guides —
— murder —
— and that one scene that everyone skips because it’s extremely boring.
It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! is not only a Halloween tradition, but one of the most superb cinematic glories that this world has ever been blessed with.
In other words — if you haven’t ever seen this show, what on earth are you doing with your life.
NUMBER FOUR . . . Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Don’t let the rather disturbing title of this movie give you the wrong impression about this movie, my friends! Sweeney Todd is one of the most mild Tim Burton movies ever to have been created.
. . .
. . .
lol, yeah, that’s a blatant lie. This movie is. . .um. . .extremely creepy. And also rated R because of all of the. . .ahem. . .death.
And the blood.
And the gore. All of the gore. SO MUCH GORE.
Basically it’s rated R because of the gore, you guys. (and I mean also some minor language if I remember correctly but like that’s MILD compared to the gore, oh my word.)
I’ve only seen Sweeney Todd once so far, but even still it was quite enough to gross me out. And you guys know how I am with severed limbs and whatnot. But if we simply remove some of the rather disturbing and too-bloody deaths, I honestly think this movie has one of my favorite plot-lines of all time.
Because it’s about a pie shop. A cannibal pie shop.
A cannibal pie shop that uses the meat of the humans that Johnny Depp (a.k.a. Sweeney Todd) kills in his barber shop.
(i seriously hope i am not the only one laughing at this concept. aha. hahaha. ahem.)
In a nutshell, Sweeney Todd is a story about cannibalism and love and a creepy judge named Severus Snape —
— and a derpy kid who wants to kidnap a poor girl who is basically a walking encyclopedia of birds —
— and death.
Lots and lots and lots of death. . .
(SPOILER [highlight blank space to read]) >> Basically everyone in this entire movie dies. <<
I’m not really sure how there’s even a town left after what happens in this film, to be honest?? But anyway, if you’re in possession of a stomach made of steel and don’t mind laughing at cannibalism, this really is a very interesting (and severely disturbing) movie to watch.
If, however, you’d like to spare yourself the intense vomiting and nightmares, I would highly suggest just checking out the song, A Little Priest. It’s hilarious and punny and I just love it so much. 10/10 one of my favorite musical songs of all time.
NUMBER FIVE . . . The Ring
(SPOILER: the only reason I’m adding this movie is because I’m 78% certain my siblings will murder me if I don’t.)
I hate this movie. It freaks me out. It disturbs me. And finding the GIF’s for this part of the blog post sent me into hysterics about five times.
HOWEVER. Even I cannot deny the fact that The Ring is, when compared with almost every other scary movie I have ever seen, one of the absolute best creepy films of all time. Its plot is nothing short of amazing, its horror is properly horrifying, and by the end of this movie, I would personally pitch Samara headfirst into the well myself. Aha.
And also I 10/10 recommend you go watch it right this instant because you need to feel the immense amount of pain that I felt my first time watching it. Seriously. It was painful.
And I say “first time watching it”, because my siblings forced me to watch it a second time. And also they made me watch all the subsequent sequels, as well. So I mean that was great. Thanks, guys. You’re the best. *thumbs up*
But also can someone please get this girl a haircut? I mean seriously. She wouldn’t be half as terrifying if she had a pixie cut on that water-bloated head of hers. . .
TALK TO ME, PEASANTS!
And that’s all I’ve got for today, folks!!! Believe it or not, today’s post actually ranks in well beneath 2,000 words, so I think I’m starting to get this whole “small post” thing figured out.
no i’m not.
But anyway, let’s see what you guys have to say now, shall we? What did you think of this slightly unusual Halloween-y post? Was it fun? Was it weird? Do you wish I would never do anything like this ever again? (hopefully not, because I really enjoyed doing it. . . aha.) Have you ever seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned, or are you not a Tim Burton fan? (because let’s be honest, here. over half the movies I mentioned were Tim Burton.)
What are some of YOUR top favorite Halloween movies of all time? Are there any you think should be added to this list? Any you think shouldn’t be on it? Do you think it’s a strange coincidence that Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter star in both The Corpse Bride AND Sweeney Todd? (please see above GIF) and most importantly. . .
HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN A ROCK WHILST TRICK-OR-TREATING???? (this is extremely important to the integrity of this post, what are you talking about.)
Let us talk about ALL OF THE THINGS!!! down in the comments below! And as always, until next time. . .
*flings pumpkins in the air and disappears*