20 In 2 Days

good morning, cyberspace!

I’m turning 20 in 2 days, folks.

That is . . . very bizarre for me to type. Up until this point, my entire life has been split in two: childhood and teenagerdom. “20” was the proverbial age I would someday be–the age when I would finally be doing all of the adventurous, outlandish, sometimes preposterous things that I always dreamed of doing in my younger years.

“When I’m 20 I’ll know everything.”

“When I’m 20 I’ll travel the world.”

“When I’m 20 I’ll be a published author.”

(that last one, I’ll admit, kind of stings.)

Well, now I’m turning 20, and I still feel like I know nothing. I feel like I’ve done nothing. I feel like I’ve seen nothing. There’s this great, big, impossibly wondrous world right at my fingertips, and I feel like I’ve only poked my head into one tiny crevice of it.

But the truth is, after living for almost twenty years, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned how to write books. I’ve learned how to play the ukulele. I’ve learned math and science and discovered that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good at geography. I’ve learned that fondness is fickle, but love lasts forever. I’ve learned and forgotten how to speak French. I’ve made friends. I’ve lost friends. I’ve found friends again. When I stop to think about it, I really have seen and done and experienced so much, and all of that has been within the span of 19 years and 363 days.

I used to think my life was small, that for whatever reason, it wasn’t as big and beautiful and magical as everyone else’s. I used to think there was something missing, and I spent days upon days wondering what was wrong with me–why I wasn’t on the same track as everyone else my age. Why I felt so different.

It’s taken me almost twenty years, but I’ve finally realized that while we all may be running the exact same race in the end, each and every one of our tracks is different. Some are made of concrete and skyscrapers, and others of moss and dirt. Some are paved with obstacles and fiery hoops, while others appear to be smooth sailing (even though we all know they’re most definitely not). Some have trees and some have fireflies and some are swamped in moonlight. Some of us get head starts, and others are late bloomers. Some of us travel the world and see the stars from every angle, and some of us walk barefoot on our own land, planting our favorite flowers and drinking in the sunlight before the it falls in the exact same patterns all around us as we fall asleep each night.

19–nearly 20–years have passed, and I still don’t really know who I am yet. Part of me wants to travel the world (and part of me believes that I will one day, at least to an extent), and part of me wants to stay home with my books and my bird and let the world slip away outside my window unnoticed. Part of me wants to go out in search of adventure and magic, and part of me knows that I can create those things right here where I am already.

I have two days until I turn 20–practically one, really, seeing as though I’m writing this in the evening–and I most definitely do not have everything figured out. I haven’t traveled the world (though I have been to North Carolina), and I obviously have not published a book. In two days the death of my dream to be a published teenage author will arrive, and I will wake up and smile and eat a slice of cake in its remembrance. Because right now, it doesn’t matter that I’m not published. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t traveled the world yet. It doesn’t matter that there are a million things on my bucket list that I haven’t yet managed to check off. What matters is that every day I get up and take one little step closer towards the me I want to be tomorrow.

19 years and 363 days have brought me to this exact moment. And as I sit here in this chair, staring out the sun-stained window and finally acknowledging the beautiful, slightly messy, absolutely perfect life I’ve been blessed with, I can’t help but realize how so very lucky I am, after all.



TALK TO ME, PEASANTS!

What kinds of things have you learned in all the many years you’ve been alive? Do you want to travel the world someday (are you ALREADY traveling the world?) or would you rather stay home and read books and eat cake and listen to the sound of rain pattering down your windows? IS YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING SOON??? (or has it already passed like mine? we can commiserate together and eat stale cake. it’ll be great.)  And most importantly. . .

HAVE YOU NOTICED I’VE BEEN COMPLETELY AWOL THE PAST FEW WEEKS?????

AHA. This is because I just recently got my first ever job and am now trying to find my groove. But it’s fine. Things are finally beginning to fall into place again, so I guess this post is me reentering the blogosphere. I hope y’all didn’t miss me too awful much. (and also–if everything goes according to plan–I’ve got a fun announcement coming soon, so keep your peepers peeled for that!)

As always, let’s talk about ALL OF THE THINGS!!! down in the comments below! And until next time. . .

_flings cookies in the air and disappears_

22 thoughts on “20 In 2 Days

  1. I loved this so much! Happy soon-to-be-birthday, Kenzie! I just turned 19 last month, so my next birthday will be mt 20th, which is soooooort of terrifying!! I still haven’t processed it yet 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • MEEP!!! Thank you SO much, Hanne!!!! And oh my goodness, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 19 is one of my absolute favorite numbers, so I hope this year is one of the most magical years you could ever wish for! <333 (And being 20 really doesn't feel AS weird as I thought it would??? Maybe that's a bad sign. XD )

      Like

    • MEEP!!! I am so so happy you liked it!!! It was a little more subdued than most of my posts, but I really loved typing it up… It was fun. XD

      OH MY GOODNESS!!!! 18 is SUCH a fun age, though!!! You’re gonna have an amazing year, I can already tell!!! <333

      Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly, 20 still feels forever away. I don’t FEEL like I’m twenty. I feel like I’m . . . a non-definitive age, actually. XD But yeah, I totally get that. Fifteen is that sort of halfway mark in the teen years, which makes it a little terrifying. XD But if it’s any consolation, the second half of my teen years were by far my favorite, so maybe they will be for you, as well!!!!

      And oh my word, thank you so much!! <333 That means so much to me!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel ya, girl. I’m going to be twenty-one on September 3rd and part of me feels like I’ve done pretty much nothing and another part of me knows that I HAVE grown and changed throughout this past year. (Just not always for the better. *cries*) Twenty is a super special milestone to hit though – even if you don’t feel completely prepared or excited or whatever. Here’s hoping that you’ll ROCK your twentieth year and that it’ll be better than all the other years combined!

    *insert appropriate Sherlock GIF of celebration*

    Liked by 1 person

    • OH MY GOODNESS. THESE ARE MY EXACT EMOTIONS, EXACTLY. XD I was definitely excited for my birthday, but I’m not sure if it was because I was turning twenty, or because cake. I’m going to assume the latter, however. XD And MEEP! Twenty-one!!! That’s a super important milestone, too!! I wish the very same for you, my friend! May this twenty-first year of your beautiful existence be the best one yet! <333

      *insert appropriate Moriarty GIF of thankfulness*

      Like

  3. KENZIE. This post is EVERYTHING. I relate to it so, soooo hard!

    I am 27 (yes, basically ANCIENT). When I was a teen, I just KNEW once I was in my 20s everything would be faaaabulous. I had in my head I’d be married at 22 (yeah, I don’t know why I had this specific number in mind???), have kids soon after, DEFINITELY be a published author, and basically living the “dream”. Ahahaha. I’ve never even been on my first date and am a loooong way off from being published. But you know what?

    I am SO glad.

    I wasn’t READY to be published in my early 20s. And I most CERTAINLY wasn’t ready to be married or have kids. I STILL don’t feel ready for that. My word no. o.o Instead, in God’s perfect timing, I have had all this time to grow, to discover so, sooo many things about myself, to realize I’m actually 100% happy being single, and to have time to truly pore into my writing and learn the craft and get better so, one day, I might actually be able to publish something that won’t be completely embarrassing trash. Eheheh. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last few years is that thinking of the “one days” makes you miss out on the NOW. I always have in my head life will be perfect ONE DAY when I’m published or married or whatever, instead of actually just enjoying this beautiful life God has given me NOW. Because ONE DAY life will be different. And I should soak up THIS season in life while I have it!

    You are a MUCH wiser 19-almost-20-year-old than I was, having already realized this. This whole post was just absolutely perfect.

    Happiest of happy birthdays, my dear bean! I hope your first year of twenty-hood (can it be called that???) is the most magical, beautiful one EVER! <3

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay. First thing’s first–this comment is utter perfection. Your messages literally NEVER fail to have me beaming like an idiot. (which is a good thing. I like smiling. XD)

      OKAY, BUT 27 IS NOT ANCIENT??? You are definitely still smol and young and have plenty of time to figure things out and grow and learn!! And the whole married at 22 thing sounds a LOOOOT like my new dream, which is to be published by the time I’m 23….. Aha. I should probably nip that in the bud before it poisons my mind with its toxins. XD As for dating . . . I’ve had one relationship, and I DEFINITELY was not ready for that when it happened. I was way too young and was still learning who “I” was, and even though I’m grateful for the time we were together, I know I wasn’t ready, and I’m not really sure if I’m even ready NOW to be in a relationship. So I 100% understand and agree with everything you’ve said here… (and DUDE!!! Being single is kind of amazing. XD)

      AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE–OR EVEN PUBLISHING–YET, EITHER. XD I still feel WAY too young, and I just know that whenever I do get published someday, it’s going to change so many things… And just these past two months have brought me quite enough change for the time being, thank you very much. XD
      “If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last few years is that thinking of the “one days” makes you miss out on the NOW. I always have in my head life will be perfect ONE DAY when I’m published or married or whatever, instead of actually just enjoying this beautiful life God has given me NOW. Because ONE DAY life will be different. And I should soak up THIS season in life while I have it!” << Okay, but is it weird that I kind of just want to hug you right now?? This is EXACTLY the philosophy I want to bring into my twenties. God has given me such a beautiful, magical life, and it really doesn't matter that I'm not exactly where I thought I would be at 20. I'm where He planned for me to be, and that's definitely good enough for me.

      Oh my goodness, Christine!!! Thank you so so SO much!!!! I can't stop grinning, oh my word…. Your messages are always my favorite. <333 (and not just mine, either. XD My mom was actually reading through comments before I had a chance to, and she said, "I think I really like this Christine" before handing me her phone so i could read what you'd said. XD) I cannot WAIT to read your books someday!!! The way you put words together is positively magical… <333

      (AND IT CAN MOST DEFINITELY BE CALLED TWENTY-HOOD!!! I AM TAKING THIS PHRASE AND RUNNING WITH IT. XD)

      Like

  4. Turning twenty is so exciting!!! (at least I thought it was. I was glad to be out of that “teenager” age). One thing I have learned is very similar to what you said. Everyone has their OWN path. Everyone’s is so different and there’s no good in comparing my own path to theirs. I know people who went to college, didn’t got to college, moved out at 18 or moved out at 30.

    As much as I do love travel and adventure…I tend to be Bilbo Baggins and need some friends to come along and drag me out the door XD

    Like

    • It kind of is exciting, isn’t it??? And also terrifying… But definitely exciting, too! And aha. Yeah. The college debacle. It’s kind of interesting how many people understand why I chose not go to college, and then the number of people who are VEEERRRRY defensive about why you SHOULD go to college. . . . even if college can’t exactly teach me what I want to do???? (which is write books. I can learn the craft at home, I do believe XD)

      Oh my goodness. That is the most perfect comparison. XD I would definitely love traveling if I had friends with me, as well! Traveling alone would be far too terrifying for me, I think… XD (but then again, I get lost really easily, so…. yeah. XD)

      Like

  5. Happy Birthday!
    Different race tracks is a nice metaphor, life would be so much clearer if you could see the different track each person has.

    I hope you have a great time in your new decade of life!

    Like

    • MEEP!!! Thank you SO much, Jethan!!!!! *tackle hugs*

      Isn’t it, though??? I think I heard that mentioned somewhere, and it’s clung to my mind ever since… Oooh! Seeing other people’s tracks would be so cool, though!!! I wonder if that would help with comparison, or just make us more envious of other people’s races…. XD (probably a mixture of both. XD)

      MEEP!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! It’s not every day you start a new decade. XD So far I’m loving it!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • *Throws confetti*

        I think seeing other people’s tracks might cause some envy at times, but in the end I think it would help everyone clarify their role and purpose in the world and understand how their differences can help. I mean, it’s kinda like how the Body of Christ has all the different parts and were referred to as such (some are a hand, some are an eye, etc.).

        Yay!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oooh! I never really thought of it that way? Like seeing everyone’s tracks–including our own–would shed light on just how desperately each of our individual races are needed in this world… I like this thought a lot. (And yes!!!! I was thinking about this recently, too!!! What a wonderful analogy…)

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy 20th, Kenzie! Next year you’ll get a nice watch! (do people still get nice watches for their 21st birthday, or is that a dying tradition?)
    I also thought I’d be a published author by the time I turned 20. I’m heartily glad that’s not how things turned out.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy birthday, Kenzie!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs*
    I’m too tired to type up a monster comment right now, but suffice it to say I love everything about this post. Much truth. Much wisdom. Much Kenzie. Very delightful. <3

    And now I will go to sleep before I start making even less sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • MEEEP!!!! Thank you SO much, Sarah!!!! You have no clue how much this means to me… (I feel horrible that somehow I never responded to all these lovely comments, though??? I’m trying to get caught up on comments and…yeah. I’ve been AWOL for some time, it seems. XD) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICKING WITH ME AND MY LITTLE BLOG!!!! You are a wonderful, beautiful, extremely talented soul who I appreciate so so much… <3333

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Emily Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.