january

today I say goodbye
to those who didn’t care
and never will.
those whose voices jeer
and snarl
and mock
the way I live my life
as though I’m not living it
according to the rulebook
which everyone seems to have a copy of
but me.

today I say goodbye
to the ones who do not like me
for reasons quite unknown.
because I’m a pretty cool person,
or so my stuffed animals tell me.
and what use is it
to try and live my life to please someone
who doesn’t like who I am
at my very deepest of cores
when there are people
who look at me
and tilt their heads
and smile
and think
“wow. she’s a weird one.
I like that.”

and why would I ever
listen to the voices in my ears
that tell me I’m too old to play pretend
too old for imaginary games
too old to love the things I love
when I can close my eyes
and count to ten
and pretend they no longer exist?

I think I lost
the girl that I was
in the hope that I could become something more.
because there’s an expectance for where I am,
this unspoken rule
that you have to be this
and you have to love that
or you’re doing something wrong
and living your life incorrectly.

well, I don’t like this
and I don’t love that
and I’m never going to be the person they want me to be.
because that girl is angry
and sad
and small.
and I’m a little bit different
and a little bit loud
and a little bit more
than I thought I was yesterday.
and if that’s not what they want–
if they’d rather have cookie cutters
and half-hearted smiles–
then I think I’ll just take
my pocketful of glitter
and find somewhere else
to call my for now.

featured photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

8 thoughts on “january

  1. OH MY GRACIOUS. *clutches heart* I don’t think I have EVER, in my entire life, read a poem that resounded so deeply down to my very soul. This just…this is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. YOU ARE AMAZING, KENZIE. AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. AND JUST. YES TO THIS. SO MUCH YES. <333

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  2. Kenzie, this was just AMAZING! So poignant and deep. *wraps you in several hugs and may not ever let you go* I’ve definitely felt these things in the core of my being and as I grow older, it’s harder and harder to reconcile the fact that I look different from every around me, than even my younger siblings. You are an absolute gem and I love that you are comfortable being you! I love your newsletters, blog posts, and just everything about how you write. You are enthusiastic and honestly and inspiration. Don’t give up your fire! Love ya!

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  3. I identified with EVERY WORD of this wonderful poem. I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now and it’s just so great to know there are other people in the world who have imaginary friends (even though the world says they’re “too old” for that), name random household objects (my reading pillow is named Sophie, btw), and take joy in so-called “crazy” challenges such as NaNoWriMo. Never stop being the lovely, cookie-flinging, whimsy-wonderful Kenzie you are! (Yes, “whimsy-wonderful” is an adjective now.)

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  4. *cries and hugs this poem*
    This is so deep and moving and my soul is so encouraged. <3 <3 <3 Never give who you are, you're the most beautiful when you're not someone else's mold.

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