january

today I say goodbye
to those who didn’t care
and never will.
those whose voices jeer
and snarl
and mock
the way I live my life
as though I’m not living it
according to the rulebook
which everyone seems to have a copy of
but me.

today I say goodbye
to the ones who do not like me
for reasons quite unknown.
because I’m a pretty cool person,
or so my stuffed animals tell me.
and what use is it
to try and live my life to please someone
who doesn’t like who I am
at my very deepest of cores
when there are people
who look at me
and tilt their heads
and smile
and think
“wow. she’s a weird one.
I like that.”

and why would I ever
listen to the voices in my ears
that tell me I’m too old to play pretend
too old for imaginary games
too old to love the things I love
when I can close my eyes
and count to ten
and pretend they no longer exist?

I think I lost
the girl that I was
in the hope that I could become something more.
because there’s an expectance for where I am,
this unspoken rule
that you have to be this
and you have to love that
or you’re doing something wrong
and living your life incorrectly.

well, I don’t like this
and I don’t love that
and I’m never going to be the person they want me to be.
because that girl is angry
and sad
and small.
and I’m a little bit different
and a little bit loud
and a little bit more
than I thought I was yesterday.
and if that’s not what they want–
if they’d rather have cookie cutters
and half-hearted smiles–
then I think I’ll just take
my pocketful of glitter
and find somewhere else
to call my for now.

featured photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash