Five Questionably Weird Things About Being A Writer (that you’ve probably heard before)

Good morning, Cyberspace!

As this is the very first post for Smudged Thoughts, I thought it would be best to give you guys a little bit of a window into how strange I–and all other writers out there–truly am.  Because we all know that when it comes to being a writer, there are numerous amounts of rather bizarre things that we do–things that would throw most people into an asylum or a slammer, depending. Yet as writers, we are able to pass these things off as normality (and we do it quite frequently, mind you), with just one, simple little phrase:

“I’m a writer.”

So without further ado, here are the

One: Bizarre (and sometimes lethal) Search Histories

You’ve heard it time and time again. One of the most awkward (and also fun, if we’re being totally honest, here, guys) things about being a writer is doing research for a story. Especially if said project involves murder, torture, poison, stab wounds (fun!!!), etc. If someone were to rifle through a writer’s search history, they’d probably begin to wonder about their mental health. And also begin to wonder whether they were a psychotic serial killer, which, let’s be honest, most of us could probably pull off with ease. (But not me, obviously.)

 Example Time!

Recently, for my short story, Gretel*, I had to do some mild research on whether or not a human body could comfortably be thrown or shoved into an oven. Totally normal thing to research, I assure you. However, there are some pages on the internet even I dare not venture into. One of them being…

I’m nearly 82.3% positive that that page would give my laptop a virus.

*You can read Gretel on Wattpad here, or find it over in the sidebar!!! (You know…if you want…)

Two: Stalking People (don’t even deny it)

Because research. Honestly, how are we supposed to write realistic, relatable characters if we don’t analyze your each and every move? How are we supposed to come up with witty dialogue without stealing all of yours? You are perfect story material. You are the chosen. So don’t get freaked out by that quiet, sort of creepy person following you around with a notebook and a pen, scribbling down every little thing you do. Feel honored. It is a privilege.

But also beware. Because one wrong move and–

You die. Well, your character will. And odds are it will not be a pleasant experience. (The search history, friend. The search history.)

Three: Murdering People (see #2 #1)

Okay, okay, calm down, I’m not talking about real people, here. (Or am I, mwahahahaha?)

No, but seriously, writers have a tendency to brutally murder kill off characters when writing, whether it is to advance the plot, evoke certain emotions in other characters, crush the reader’s soul, etc. Having to kill so many innocent creatures that do not physically exist in this realm has turned the writer species into the aforementioned serial killers, basically. Not only do we have to describe a death, we have to describe

a) the death in detail

b) how characters react to the death

c) how it feels to die (PLOT TWIST!)

And sometimes (let’s be honest, guys) writing all these deaths can be kinda scary. Sometimes we question our own mental health, and that is not a good place to be, my little cheesecake.

(Whew!!! Okay, moment of intense seriousness is over. Let’s continue, shall we?)

Four: Papery Obsessions

Writers also have extreme (and sometimes unhealthy) obsessions with thin, flexible sheets of wood. Chop down a tree and the euphoria of writers is almost suffocating. (As long as you plant another tree because #treesmatter)

This paper product infatuation includes the following:

BOOKS! (More commonly pronounced BOOOOOOOOOOOKKKSSS!)

~ Writers (and readers [#equality]) cannot, and will not ever in a million years EVER have enough books. Ever. We read books like they are the air that we breathe. When we have no books, we just kind of flail around like a dying fish all day. It’s not pretty.

Notebooks

~ Along with their stockpile of BOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKSSS!!!!, writers also have an insanely large collection of notebooks . We are constantly collecting, constantly hoarding, constantly procuring more and more. We sit upon our mountain of notebooks as a dragon would perch on a hoard of treasure and diamonds. Some of them are filled. Most of them are not. Even more have half-written scribbles and stories that to most (including ourselves) make absolutely no sense.

But we love our notebooks. They are our brethren. Our soul mates. They fill us with delight (and sometimes horror. [writing on the first page of a brand new notebook with the most amazing cover ever, anyone?])

And did I mention how we stroke and admire the beautiful covers, as well? No? (Is that just me, or…? Yeah, that’s just me.)

Office Supplies

(Okay, so this doesn’t really fit under the category of papery obsessions, but let’s just go with it, okay?)

~ There’s no point in denying it. Writers tend to have a strange obsession with collecting and hoarding office supplies. Pens, highlighters, sticky notes, more pens, binders, that stapler we don’t use, pencils, and pens are just a few examples of things that can often be found in a writer’s toolkit. There’s just something about the smell feel of office supplies that makes us want more, especially when our pens have a habit of disappearing into thin air whenever we turn around.

And finally…

Five: The Muse (and other imaginary friends)

Let’s face it, writers have imaginary friends. Those little voices in our heads are more than just proof of our impending insanity, they are…well, maybe they are just proof of our impending insanity. But they are awesome to talk to, nonetheless. I mean, who needs real humans when you’ve got invisible ones, amiright?

You may have heard a writer mention a muse when talking about their abundance of inspiration, or more likely, a lack thereof, but to us, our muses are much more than just a thing we label our creative outlets as. In fact, to me most writers, their muses are so real, the line between fiction and reality tends to disappear entirely. It doesn’t matter that they are, in fact, *coughimaginarycough*, they are realer to us than actual humans. (Okay, maybe not that real, but still.)

Our muses are our constant source of inspiration. They are the motivating voice in our heads, saying things like, “You can totally do this”, and “This is your story, so don’t be afraid to write it”.

Or, in Chess’s case, “You’re totally writing this wrong. Here, let me give you thirty plot holes that you never saw coming.”

(He doesn’t like being called imaginary… [please don’t tell him I said that…)

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Well, that’s about it for this post! So, how did I do? Was this Smudge as awful as I think it is? Do you enjoy stalking people? Have you ever come across a cannibalistic website while conducting research? What’s your muse like? Leave a comment below and tell me everything! (please…I’ll give you cookies…)

 

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